Here with Me
by Angelwings23123
Summary: What if instead of offering him a badge, Jim had asked Blair to leave after the Press Conference? This story deals with the two trying to deal with being apart... AU
1. Here with Me

Disclaimer: not mine  
Note: this is a songfic based around the song by Michelle Branch  
Jim's POV

Here With Me

--  
It's been a long, long time since I looked into the mirror,  
I guess that I was blind,  
Now my reflection's getting clearer,  
Now that you're gone things will never be the same again...  
--

I walked into the loft and tossed my keys into the basket. With a start I stood still and looked—really looked, around the room. I hadn't noticed before how different it was. It , more impersonal. And quiet. So quiet...

--  
There's not a minute that goes by every hour of every day,  
You're such a part of me,  
But I just pulled away...  
--

It's so different without him here...

--  
Well, I'm not the same guy,  
You used to know,  
I wish I said the words I never showed...  
--

I spend all my free time at work now. Keeping busy so I won't think about what's missing in my life. Mostly desk duty, after an 'incident' I had during one of my cases--and I don't even care just so long as it's something to do. I come back to the loft and usually don't even bother turning on the lights—it just doesn't seem to matter any more... I didn't think that I'd ever admit it, but I miss him...

--  
I know you had to go away,  
I died just a little, and I feel it now,  
You're the one I need,  
I believe that I would cry just a little,  
Just to have you back now,  
Here with me,  
Here with me...  
--

I know his leaving was for the best—there was nothing else he could have done. But, I don't care what's for the best. He needs to be here. My senses are out of wack again and I can't seem to find the dials. Everything's different. Everything's wrong. I need him. I need my Guide...

--  
You know that silence is loud,  
When all you hear is your heart,  
And I wanted so badly just to be a part of something strong and true,  
But I was scared and left it all behind...  
--

I find myself unconsciously stretching out my senses. For the scent that has long since dissipated... For the sounds no longer heard... Scanning the streets for a certain face... Listening for the heartbeat that isn't there... All that's left is silence. I never really noticed before how much I needed him. I'd never known anyone like him before. He was my friend unconditionally, no matter how I pushed him away... Until I pushed too far, that is. I didn't really think that he would leave. Well, maybe I did. But he was supposed to come back...  
  
--  
I know you had to go away,  
I died just a little, and I feel it now,  
You're the one I need,  
I believe that I would cry just a little,  
Just to have you back now,  
Here with me,  
Here with me...  
--

He wasn't supposed to **stay** gone. Even after the incident with Alex Barnes he came back. I mean, I know why he left and a part of me knows that he didn't have much choice... But he belongs here. He was supposed to come back. He belongs with me...

--  
And I'm asking,  
And I'm wanting,  
You to come back to me,  
Please...?  
--

I need him back here. I need him to be my Guide again. I need him to just be here—with his loud jungle music, weird food, and constant chatter. I miss him...

--  
I never will forget that look upon your face,  
How you turned away and left without a trace...  
--

And I keep seeing his face when I told him to go. Hurt, sadness, and a little bit of pain as well as some conviction. As if he had been waiting for this moment. As if he knew that it would eventually come to this. As if he actually believed that I didn't want him around any more. Then, he just turned around and left—didn't even look back. I kept expecting a phone call, a letter...hell, for him to just walk back into the loft as if nothing had happened. But he didn't...

--  
But I understand that you did,  
What you had to do,  
And I thank you...  
--

I knew that if he had stayed people would still speculate about my Sentinel abilities. They would have figured out that he had lied. I mean, it was so obvious that he had lied... I would have resented it if he had stayed. I would have resented him. I never told him to give up his career, I never told him to let everyone think that he was a fraud, I never told him to hold the press conference. But, he did. And I never even thanked him...

--  
I know you had to go away,  
I died just a little, and I feel it now,  
You're the one I need,  
I believe that I would cry just a little,  
Just to have you back now,  
Here with me...  
--

He wasn't supposed to stay gone, damnit. He wasn't supposed to stay gone. He was supposed to come back. He was supposed to come back and things were supposed to be like they were before. He was supposed to come back. I need him...

--  
Here with me.  
--


	2. Goodbye to You

Note: based around the song 'Goodbye to You ' by Michelle Branch  
Blair's POV

--  
Of all the things I believed in,  
I just want to get it over with,  
Tears from behind my eyes,  
But I do not cry,  
Counting the days that passed me by...  
--

Three months. Three whole months. I can't believe that I've been gone so long; it seems like only yesterday that I left...

--  
I've been searching deep down in my soul,  
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old,  
Feels like I'm starting all over again,  
The last three years were just pretend...  
--

I still can't believe that he told me to leave. All of a sudden it was like we had just met. That we were two virtual strangers. Had the last few years meant nothing? Had our friendship meant nothing to him at all? I realized then that he had been saying pretty much the same things over the years. It was always 'what were you thinking' and 'you're not a cop' and 'I never asked for your help'. I don't remember ever hearing a 'good job' or a 'quick thinking' or a 'thank you for helping me with my senses so I didn't end up in the loony bin.' But, maybe we never were friends. Maybe I just thought we were and he just kept me around to help him control his senses. Maybe it was a good thing that I found this out now...

--  
Goodbye to you,  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew,  
You were the one I loved,  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...  
--

Maybe it was a good thing that I left. Maybe we hadn't been as close as I thought we were. Maybe there was never a 'Sentinel/Guide connection'. Maybe I had just wanted a big brother, 'blessid protector', and best friend all rolled into one. Maybe I had wanted it so badly that I had tricked myself into believing that it existed. Maybe I just didn't want to be alone...

--  
I still get lost in your eyes,  
And it seems like I can't live a day without you,  
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away,  
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right...  
--

I thought that we had something, man. I thought that I had found my 'holy grail' and it just so happened that he was my best friend. But, I was looking at it from behind rose-colored glasses. I looked up to him, and no matter what he did, he never fell off that pedestal. No matter what he said, no matter what he did, he was still my friend—my Sentinel...

--  
Goodbye to you,  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew,  
You were the one I loved,  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...  
--

But, it was time to leave. The smoke cleared from my eyes and I saw. He didn't see his abilities as I saw them. He didn't realize what an asset they were. He didn't want to be admired for them. He didn't want to be a Sentinel. And he didn't want a Guide...

--  
It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time,  
I want what's yours and I want what's mine,  
I want you,  
But I'm not giving in this time...  
--

I had a picture in my mind of how it was supposed to be. And even though reality didn't coincide, I still clung to it. I wanted to be his Guide and the tribe's Shaman. I wanted him to be my Sentinel and to stand by my side. But, for years I stood by his; awed by his abilities and blind to his faults. I was willing to help him; receiving nothing in return but the privilege of standing by his side. But, now I realize that I wanted more. I wanted us to be a team. I didn't want to be a sidekick—I wanted to be a partner. And I didn't want him to push me around anymore...

--  
Goodbye to you,  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew,  
You were the one I loved,  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...  
--

I gave up everything for him. Everything. I gave up my job, my degree, a chance at fame and fortune, my already shaky relationship with Naomi, and the respect of my colleagues and friends. All for him. All to protect his 'secret'. A secret, that I might add, that he didn't do a very good job at concealing himself. I'm surprised that people didn't guess something was up years ago. His coworkers were detectives for crying out loud and he did everything but tell them that he had enhanced senses. For years I provided excuses and tried to draw attention away from him. And even then I couldn't hide everything—there's only so much even _I _can try to obfuscate away... Of course, isn't that what the press conference was—a big obfuscation. Then again, maybe it wasn't. Maybe I told the truth. Maybe I am a fraud...

--  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...  
--

There were times when I thought that he didn't want me around—when he would say or do things to push me away. I always pretended like it never happened, that it didn't affect me. I told myself that it wasn't anything personal—it was just instincts. He didn't mean to push me away--it was just fear-based responses. Like the thing Alex—it was just instincts. He didn't mean to hurt me, he didn't mean to kick me out of the loft, he didn't mean to make out with the psycho bitch that killed me. We were a Sentinel and Guide pair and nothing could tear us apart...

--  
Goodbye to you,  
Goodbye to everything,  
I thought I knew,  
You were the one I loved,  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...  
--

Or so I thought. Maybe everything could tear us apart. Maybe there was no bond. Maybe it was all a lie. My heart tells me that that's not true. So does the jaguar that I see sitting across the room. But, maybe I'm just imagining things. Maybe I just miss him...

--  
And when the stars fall,  
I will lie awake...  
--

I wonder what he's doing now. Does he ever think about me? Is he glad that I'm gone? Are his senses alright? Can he find his dials? Is he using his senses at all? Is he still the same? Is the media leaving him alone? What if he zones? I hope he still uses his senses and can keep them under control. Does he remember the techniques that I taught him? Is he ok? Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Is my spirit guide with him? Is he still helping 'the tribe'? Does he need a Guide? Does he even realize what being a Sentinel means...? No matter what, he's still my 'holy grail'...

--  
Your my shooting star.  
--


End file.
